Time.

“And it came to me then that every plan is a tiny prayer to father time” — “What Sarah Said” - Death Cab For Cutie

Time. It is something we all have that we seem to waste, or not have enough of. The amount we get is the same really. We get a lifetime. In the end, what we do or do not do with it defines us. I’ve become more aware of this over the last year. As I’ve seen those around me change over the course of the last twelve months. As I’ve seen the path my life has taken. It’s scary to realize that time, and life moves on if you notice or not.

I’ve seen my mother get sicker over the last year. More than I’ve seen her in the past. And it’s come to me that one day soon she may not be here anymore. I’ve always known that she’d die one day, but it was always in “the future.” I fear that the future may be coming sooner than I am prepared for. I just hope that I’ve been able to make her proud. And I hope I won’t regret anything I’ve done when the day comes.

I’ve also seen my uncle get closer and closer to the end. He’s been sick for a long time, but I feel that soon he’ll pass on. And I fear then, not for myself, but for my aunt. I’ve not spoken with either of them really in the last year. She has become someone I don’t really care to deal with, but I still fear. What is left of her life will unravel completely without him, and then I don’t know what will become of her. I know I should call them, but old wounds sometimes never heal. But time may take away the chance I’ve always thought would be there to reconcile.

And then there is E. I’ve come to love her deeply over the last months. She makes me feel good about myself, and I simply find myself wanting her to be happy. To the point I will do silly things she asks just to see her laugh. I want to grow with her, so see her fulfill her dreams, and to have her there as I continue with mine. And yet, I fear I sense her slipping away. I just hope she does not, and I am not sure what I could do to stop it anyway. I question myself then, if she wants to go should I try to stop her? Isn’t loving someone also being able to let them go and find their happiness? I don’t want her to go, but I also know I could not make her stay.

Time. I feel it slipping and moving against me. Deciding for me the things I cannot, or will not. Taking my plans and doing what it will to them even against my own prayers and hopes. And sometimes, sometimes I feel myself wanting to escape. To find somewhere with a clear meaning and enough time. I fear that the time I will get, a lifetime, won’t be enough although it should be. I know though, what I will do as things do move. I’ll go on and live my life. But I can’t help wanting some things to stay as they are or were.

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